Sunday, October 31, 2010
On My Dreams
I used to really enjoy dreams. I still do sometimes but they have been more frightening lately. They aren't frightening in the sense that there is a scary monster but as in they have a lot of meaning. Recently they have been related to issues I have been dealing with in my daily life, which would make sense for the unconscious to unwind the conscious struggles. It seems more than the unconscious though, my dreams have been telling me to deal with certain issues, and I think that it is really God relating to me either telling me what to do or comforting me in problems I have. In the last month or two my dreams have been vivid and a couple times more real than the day I awoke to. It is strange.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Progress and Problems
The timing is fixed, now for the rusty hole to be sealed on my car. I have been a little gloomy like the weather, (it is strange how sometimes attitudes reflects the weather for no reason), but yesterday did not help. I did not accomplish a much as I had planned and was winding myself down that way I would be able to go to sleep at a reasonable hour but that did not happen. I keep my door to my room closed when the older people get home but that boundary was not sacred last night. My dad comes in and says my cat barfed and it needs to be cleaned up at some point. I say that's fine, I'm in the middle of something, I'll get to it in about 20 minutes. Three minutes later he comes back in and says it needs to be cleaned up now, his face and conduct making it clear that the time delay did not meet the Joan approval though he was fine with it. I go and clean it up, to be honest this task can be difficult because the carpet and barf look the same color. Two minutes later Jack comes back in, and says I didn't do the job correctly, once again the Joan talking. I find one minuscule bit on the ground. Joan asks me if my mom wouldn't happen to want my cat back at her house. "No." She then starts talking to Jack while I'm in the room, "That cat has torn the shit out of my carpet and all he does is barf... [something showing she expected a non cat cat] ..." Suddenly she addresses me again "You need to do a better job looking for cat barf, when I see the barf on the it makes me want to be sick." Seriously? I mean its cat barf, I wouldn't want to have it as a friend but is it really that big of a deal, whenever it happens I clean it. She starts addresses my dad again (even though I buy the food) he needs to change what food that cat eats. My dad states how I buy my cat the best type of food, Joan still pissed, Joan keeps talking to Jack about my cat. I leave the room no longer willing to be half talked to. That whole incident wound me up, angered me (because one of the prerequisites for me moving in is that my cat comes with me and stays inside) so I stayed up all night messing around.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Back from the Dead
My car is almost officially resurrected from the dead. The engine is running, and I drove it up and down my driveway. I can't really drive it around right now though since a) it is raining and frightening to drive and b) the timing is not done so it is not running optimally. Those combined will keep me off the road. The timing will be corrected Thursday morning. And last but not least, I found out there is a leak somewhere in the seal of my windshield; one problem at a time.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Inspiration explained in part
To explain what was talked about last night would be too many words so I will mainly explain the changes planned or occurring. Before the conversation I was down because I was upset at Charles (see a previous post) but not just at him but the world he represents. I felt like human interactions were often not effective and that my influence in the world is so minute that nothing will ever get better. While talking and listening it became evident to me that I should not get anxious over petty squabbles or fret about any situation, remembering where my trust and confidence lies. What needs to happen is action I realize, and the world can change, at least slowly, and that while it is changing I have to be patient. Reading Marcus Aurelius' Mediations solidified the point of patience to me
"Say to yourself in the morning: I shall meet people who are interfering, ungracious, insolent, full of guile, deceitful, and antisocial; they have all become like that because they have no understanding of good and evil. But I who have contemplated the essential beauty of good and the essential ugliness of evil, who know that the nature of the wrongdoer is of one kin with mine- not indeed of the same blood or seed but sharing the same mind, the same portion of the divine, I cannot be harmed by any one of them, and no one can involve me in shame. I cannot feel anger against him who is of my kin, nor hate him. We are born to labor together..." (Book 2 1).
I mean it is simple really, don't be naive or surprised when bad things happen and have an attack plan on life. This plan must be ambitious and flexible, and a plan that won't overly sadden you when you get behind. That was another reason I found I was emotional, because several of my goals may be not attainable now/ are not attainable without having my car operational. If a plan will not work any longer it will have to be changed to meet the circumstances. Another thing, which my cross country couch Billy York used to say, "Better to shoot for the moon than not at all because even if you miss you will be among the stars." Striving and planning, and jumping into actions are necessary to be successful and productive. I think I am more stable after that realization and once my car is fixed I must make it a priority to follow through with my initiatives.
One thing I am still struggling with is that though I am equipped enough to complete the task before me, I doubt my leadership skills, and the adequacy to be helpful to the ones of love. And I am also pondering how smart I am, but that doesn't really matter its just I used to think "I'm a smart person" and take pride in it; it may be true but is it interesting that I am questioning that at this point.
"Say to yourself in the morning: I shall meet people who are interfering, ungracious, insolent, full of guile, deceitful, and antisocial; they have all become like that because they have no understanding of good and evil. But I who have contemplated the essential beauty of good and the essential ugliness of evil, who know that the nature of the wrongdoer is of one kin with mine- not indeed of the same blood or seed but sharing the same mind, the same portion of the divine, I cannot be harmed by any one of them, and no one can involve me in shame. I cannot feel anger against him who is of my kin, nor hate him. We are born to labor together..." (Book 2 1).
I mean it is simple really, don't be naive or surprised when bad things happen and have an attack plan on life. This plan must be ambitious and flexible, and a plan that won't overly sadden you when you get behind. That was another reason I found I was emotional, because several of my goals may be not attainable now/ are not attainable without having my car operational. If a plan will not work any longer it will have to be changed to meet the circumstances. Another thing, which my cross country couch Billy York used to say, "Better to shoot for the moon than not at all because even if you miss you will be among the stars." Striving and planning, and jumping into actions are necessary to be successful and productive. I think I am more stable after that realization and once my car is fixed I must make it a priority to follow through with my initiatives.
One thing I am still struggling with is that though I am equipped enough to complete the task before me, I doubt my leadership skills, and the adequacy to be helpful to the ones of love. And I am also pondering how smart I am, but that doesn't really matter its just I used to think "I'm a smart person" and take pride in it; it may be true but is it interesting that I am questioning that at this point.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Something something Inspiration
I was going to write about my emotional ups and downs today, down being behind on paper writing, up being seeing my friends and not having class, and down being thinking about reality and the difficulty to change or help others. Then there was optimism shown, and Zac, Josh, and I are now forming a plan, I have to sleep now but more shall come.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
The bads outside my house
Seemingly a long time ago my car's engine seized. When it happened I wasn't that bothered by it; I had money for such an occasion and knew that everything would work out. Now after a couple weeks and my engine sitting in my driveway collecting dust when its is supposed to be in my vehicle, my steadfastness is beginning to fade. Why my engine is in my driveway is a story I am about to tell.
When my engine broke I needed to remove it in order to get it rebuilt and Joan's son's friend helped me with that. His name is Charles. For the removal he charged $150 but I gave him $160 because he did it quickly and well. Charles from my observation is a typical lower class white male, biker, that has a family and struggles to get by and doesn't mind that the majority of the words he says are profanity of some sort. I got along well enough with him and decided to hire him to put it back in since he said he could do that for another $150. Last Saturday was the scheduled day for the install, my dad was going to be home and we were going to start at 9. Charles didn't show until around 2 and he didn't bring the tools he needed; he left around 4. Sunday he was going to be by at 8, yet again there was a miraculous lateness accompanied by shortly after leaving. He blames it on car trouble and difficulty getting the tools. This happens Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday each time with different excuses along with him complaining that he has no money and asking for gas money. Each of these days my dad left his business van in order to enable me to drive to the auto parts store if I happened to need any replacement parts while we installed the engine back. 5 times (in regards to time) he straight out lied to me, and many other times he didn't answer my calls. I don't know if it was his upbringing, or lack of understanding that other people's time (and resource of a vehicle) has some value to it. When he came over on Wednesday he said that he wasn't being a flake(lie) and that the engine was just in more pieces than he expected (truth 1), over the course of the week he had done nothing with my engine, and I told I would be willing to pay him more because of truth 1 but that his lack of work had made it impossible for my patience to want to give him any sort of bonus. These are not excuses of course and I am a fool because I thought I could give my patience and mercy to a fool and have him learn. He did not learn and I am done being disrespected, so I hired someone else. I am still frustrated however because I expected people of the world to be reasonable; finding this one example shows me that my hope in this is ill based. It makes me feel like a idiot because it is obvious people are going to be sinful and disregard my person even when I am kind and patient. It reminds me of what my dad said about how if someone doesn't do something right for him the first time, he finds someone else even if the original person is willing to fix it for free, because he does not want to be a fool and expect to have them not waste his time a second time.
Charles wasted a week of my time, tested my patience, disenfranchised me (probably good), and I am thinking right now "Well shit on him." Which he will have because his lifestyle is not in line with truth or close to being balanced. He seems to subsist upon beer, self defeat, and has no vision for his future; he seems to accept he is bad, in some sort of the word, and is going to be that way for the rest of his life. I hope he finds the virtue in doing right and the joy in the difficulty in loving one's neighbor.
When my engine broke I needed to remove it in order to get it rebuilt and Joan's son's friend helped me with that. His name is Charles. For the removal he charged $150 but I gave him $160 because he did it quickly and well. Charles from my observation is a typical lower class white male, biker, that has a family and struggles to get by and doesn't mind that the majority of the words he says are profanity of some sort. I got along well enough with him and decided to hire him to put it back in since he said he could do that for another $150. Last Saturday was the scheduled day for the install, my dad was going to be home and we were going to start at 9. Charles didn't show until around 2 and he didn't bring the tools he needed; he left around 4. Sunday he was going to be by at 8, yet again there was a miraculous lateness accompanied by shortly after leaving. He blames it on car trouble and difficulty getting the tools. This happens Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday each time with different excuses along with him complaining that he has no money and asking for gas money. Each of these days my dad left his business van in order to enable me to drive to the auto parts store if I happened to need any replacement parts while we installed the engine back. 5 times (in regards to time) he straight out lied to me, and many other times he didn't answer my calls. I don't know if it was his upbringing, or lack of understanding that other people's time (and resource of a vehicle) has some value to it. When he came over on Wednesday he said that he wasn't being a flake(lie) and that the engine was just in more pieces than he expected (truth 1), over the course of the week he had done nothing with my engine, and I told I would be willing to pay him more because of truth 1 but that his lack of work had made it impossible for my patience to want to give him any sort of bonus. These are not excuses of course and I am a fool because I thought I could give my patience and mercy to a fool and have him learn. He did not learn and I am done being disrespected, so I hired someone else. I am still frustrated however because I expected people of the world to be reasonable; finding this one example shows me that my hope in this is ill based. It makes me feel like a idiot because it is obvious people are going to be sinful and disregard my person even when I am kind and patient. It reminds me of what my dad said about how if someone doesn't do something right for him the first time, he finds someone else even if the original person is willing to fix it for free, because he does not want to be a fool and expect to have them not waste his time a second time.
Charles wasted a week of my time, tested my patience, disenfranchised me (probably good), and I am thinking right now "Well shit on him." Which he will have because his lifestyle is not in line with truth or close to being balanced. He seems to subsist upon beer, self defeat, and has no vision for his future; he seems to accept he is bad, in some sort of the word, and is going to be that way for the rest of his life. I hope he finds the virtue in doing right and the joy in the difficulty in loving one's neighbor.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
The bads in my house
Josh and Zac enjoy each others company rather than writing their papers. This leads to over the course of time increasing faggotry and symbolic... okay this read aloud got them to get back to work. They are doing the second great designer search for magic and are already behind and at my house finishing up, but if their papers are accepted late I think they stand a good chance. I've been editing and encouraging them and they are progressing now and I hope not in vain.
The Psalms
The Psalms of David are great. They are inspirational and often insightful. They are both comforting and instructing. Yet there is one thing I don't understand about them truly, the emotion or calling by David of destruction upon his enemies. I've never wanted destruction upon anyone, I've been frustrated with people but realize that is more my fault than theirs normally. I've never had enemies and cannot fathom having ones and even if I did wishing destruction upon them. "Come sit, you are my guest." would be more of my reaction. I see that David is calling for God to blot them out, which is righteous, but he seems too insistent upon their destruction. Ruling a kingdom brings more enemies than being a hobo and that is why I cannot fully grasp it. As Psalm 37:1 says, "Do not fret because of evildoers..."
Getting Old
I see old people entertain themselves with movies. I notice I have been liking and looking forward to movies. I have been failing at a favor requested of me by a 87 year old man just yesterday, "Do me a favor. Stay young."
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Reflecting on a week, and Friday, the story that won't end
So this week I learned how things will never go as planned, or rather this issue was revisited. I like things going on schedule, it means they are going right and that everything will be good, it keeps people happy and makes me happy. The schedule is important to me. This whole week my schedule continually died. Looking back I'm surprised I was actually able to finish things. Monday was alright. Tuesday I was supposed to read a lot of words from a book but that didn't happen. Wednesday being behind on book reading I sat and thought about the book, and then somehow at the end of the day, staying up late I actually finished my book report. These days did not go the course I planned but ultimately it didn't matter.
The rest of the week mattered more and caused me to stress out. Thursday I really wanted to see Allison and thought I be able to drive my dad's van around. The van didn't happen so I figured out a plan that would still accomplish everything I needed to. Things happened such as my engine needing to be unloaded, Josh wanting to buy booze, Zac being 15 or 20 minutes late to school, and it being much later and more awkward to borrow my dad's van when originally I thought Josh and Zac would be going to his house and I could hitch a ride. (I thought this because I had talked with Zac to figure out a plan and there was a consensus that the ending up at his place was the best for the next day and even the overall efficiency). Finally everything worked out except my timeliness.
Friday, it was pretty good most of the day. I did my lawn route. During it I saw a lawn that needed mowing and talked to the guy out in front of the house and offered him a price and then he said, "You're an answer to prayer." He told me a little about his life and it was good to see an old man still so passionate for Christ and willing to share. After my route I hung out with Zac and Josh at CBU for 2 hours before going to the men's study at Shane's. As we were walking to the care Zac says that work that I agreed to do with Bryson was this Saturday. Ugh. Thinking back to when he texted me I swear that he said he needed me October 12th. I now had a conflict of times because I was supposed to work with the mechanic on Saturday to put my engine back in. (The mechanic is not available often) I call Bryson to make sure of this, and find out times and such since had not mentioned it again to me since I agreed to it a couple weeks ago. He had never told me what I would be doing, what time or where it was, and so it was stunning to think that I still didn't know anything when it was 6pm and it was to start at 6am the next day. As I get information from him about it I ask him if he knows anyone else that would be able to do it or replace me, because most of the time the proctoring of the test is a job he gives to friends to be nice because it is 80 dollars and easy work. I guess he has people back out on him or I asked in the wrong tone because he got defensive and says, "Its too late to back out now". That hurt. I try to keep my word and do what I agree to, and half failing the day before followed by this conundrum was a bit overwhelming and I was just asking him if he knew an easy replacement. So as I drive to Craig's house with my brother to get carpooled to study I think "Josh could replace me, he doesn't really have anything he does on weekends." So I tell him my situation and I ask if he could please replace me how it would be a big favor and he tells me, "I don't think I want to do that. I told my I would come over tomorrow." (Both him and I try to preform what we say). I was disheartened though because I 'called in a favor' and he says 'no' and also because he never specified what time he would be over the next day so he could get a ride there a little after lunchtime, it didn't see like it would be that big of a deal. Next I try texting / calling my friends. I realize I don't have many friends. None of them respond. I next try contacting the mechanic to see if he can come later in the day. He doesn't respond. Then I call Cody, and he says he would be willing to do it. Sweet finally. I call Bryson, he says they can't be in high school so Cody isn't eligible and restates the idea that I need to do this. I then decide to call my mom. My thought was if I can explain my situation my mom would be okay with the situation and allow for my brother to come by later in the day. Not to hold this over her head but a couple months ago if that I did a big favor for her (got her car towed) and thought in turn she could bear without my brother for half the day(especially since he favors are connected (getting my engine fixed)); I also offered to come over and help her with my brother and then stay longer than my brother on Sunday to make up for the lost time. I explain the situation and she tells me, "You always give me the short end of the stick. Whenever you come over you're not over long enough and when you have a time where you might have been planning to see me and some game with your friends is at the same time you always choose your friends. You have to understand shit happens and you just have to suck it up, I have stuff I have to deal and how are you going to replace all the time lost of not having Josh tomorrow? ...you never help me out and you haven't even been coming over once a month like you said you would." "I have been coming over once month {actually more than that}and didn't know it would be that big of a deal to ask if I could borrow Josh. I have had difficulties getting over there recently and that is one of the things I'm trying to fix tomorrow. Like I said, I would be willing to be there ...{longer}... in order to more than replace your time lost, what do you need help with?" "Sometimes its less productive with more people {implying I can't help, I asked further and she never told me what she needed help with, (in her defense probably because she didn't want my help when it is forced)}, you just want to get out of a situation, well tough shit, these things happen."
I then sat there, outside Shane's house, with a sick feeling in my stomach because I tried my sources and found no help. I decided to text Allison, it was late by now and she was probably asleep but maybe she knew someone that would be able to proctor, no response. I call my dad knowing I'll sound like a failure and I literally couldn't bring myself to say I wasn't going to be at the house for the mechanic tomorrow. After that Scott pulls through and agrees to replace me.
Everything worked out miraculously. It was a victory but the stress already had beat me up so that I even now cannot appreciate how simple it worked out. I'm going to have to work on my engine tomorrow, sure, but overall it worked out. Getting a favor was more difficult and painful than I thought and the experience showed me harsher tones of a couple people and the fact of the proverbs I was studying that night, don't give an oath. I feel stupid for taking things so critically because Bryson didn't want to become in a situation similar to mine so he was simply making sure I followed through. I just hope my mom is okay, she seemed overwhelmed, I hope what my dad said the other day is not true.
The rest of the week mattered more and caused me to stress out. Thursday I really wanted to see Allison and thought I be able to drive my dad's van around. The van didn't happen so I figured out a plan that would still accomplish everything I needed to. Things happened such as my engine needing to be unloaded, Josh wanting to buy booze, Zac being 15 or 20 minutes late to school, and it being much later and more awkward to borrow my dad's van when originally I thought Josh and Zac would be going to his house and I could hitch a ride. (I thought this because I had talked with Zac to figure out a plan and there was a consensus that the ending up at his place was the best for the next day and even the overall efficiency). Finally everything worked out except my timeliness.
Friday, it was pretty good most of the day. I did my lawn route. During it I saw a lawn that needed mowing and talked to the guy out in front of the house and offered him a price and then he said, "You're an answer to prayer." He told me a little about his life and it was good to see an old man still so passionate for Christ and willing to share. After my route I hung out with Zac and Josh at CBU for 2 hours before going to the men's study at Shane's. As we were walking to the care Zac says that work that I agreed to do with Bryson was this Saturday. Ugh. Thinking back to when he texted me I swear that he said he needed me October 12th. I now had a conflict of times because I was supposed to work with the mechanic on Saturday to put my engine back in. (The mechanic is not available often) I call Bryson to make sure of this, and find out times and such since had not mentioned it again to me since I agreed to it a couple weeks ago. He had never told me what I would be doing, what time or where it was, and so it was stunning to think that I still didn't know anything when it was 6pm and it was to start at 6am the next day. As I get information from him about it I ask him if he knows anyone else that would be able to do it or replace me, because most of the time the proctoring of the test is a job he gives to friends to be nice because it is 80 dollars and easy work. I guess he has people back out on him or I asked in the wrong tone because he got defensive and says, "Its too late to back out now". That hurt. I try to keep my word and do what I agree to, and half failing the day before followed by this conundrum was a bit overwhelming and I was just asking him if he knew an easy replacement. So as I drive to Craig's house with my brother to get carpooled to study I think "Josh could replace me, he doesn't really have anything he does on weekends." So I tell him my situation and I ask if he could please replace me how it would be a big favor and he tells me, "I don't think I want to do that. I told my I would come over tomorrow." (Both him and I try to preform what we say). I was disheartened though because I 'called in a favor' and he says 'no' and also because he never specified what time he would be over the next day so he could get a ride there a little after lunchtime, it didn't see like it would be that big of a deal. Next I try texting / calling my friends. I realize I don't have many friends. None of them respond. I next try contacting the mechanic to see if he can come later in the day. He doesn't respond. Then I call Cody, and he says he would be willing to do it. Sweet finally. I call Bryson, he says they can't be in high school so Cody isn't eligible and restates the idea that I need to do this. I then decide to call my mom. My thought was if I can explain my situation my mom would be okay with the situation and allow for my brother to come by later in the day. Not to hold this over her head but a couple months ago if that I did a big favor for her (got her car towed) and thought in turn she could bear without my brother for half the day(especially since he favors are connected (getting my engine fixed)); I also offered to come over and help her with my brother and then stay longer than my brother on Sunday to make up for the lost time. I explain the situation and she tells me, "You always give me the short end of the stick. Whenever you come over you're not over long enough and when you have a time where you might have been planning to see me and some game with your friends is at the same time you always choose your friends. You have to understand shit happens and you just have to suck it up, I have stuff I have to deal and how are you going to replace all the time lost of not having Josh tomorrow? ...you never help me out and you haven't even been coming over once a month like you said you would." "I have been coming over once month {actually more than that}and didn't know it would be that big of a deal to ask if I could borrow Josh. I have had difficulties getting over there recently and that is one of the things I'm trying to fix tomorrow. Like I said, I would be willing to be there ...{longer}... in order to more than replace your time lost, what do you need help with?" "Sometimes its less productive with more people {implying I can't help, I asked further and she never told me what she needed help with, (in her defense probably because she didn't want my help when it is forced)}, you just want to get out of a situation, well tough shit, these things happen."
I then sat there, outside Shane's house, with a sick feeling in my stomach because I tried my sources and found no help. I decided to text Allison, it was late by now and she was probably asleep but maybe she knew someone that would be able to proctor, no response. I call my dad knowing I'll sound like a failure and I literally couldn't bring myself to say I wasn't going to be at the house for the mechanic tomorrow. After that Scott pulls through and agrees to replace me.
Everything worked out miraculously. It was a victory but the stress already had beat me up so that I even now cannot appreciate how simple it worked out. I'm going to have to work on my engine tomorrow, sure, but overall it worked out. Getting a favor was more difficult and painful than I thought and the experience showed me harsher tones of a couple people and the fact of the proverbs I was studying that night, don't give an oath. I feel stupid for taking things so critically because Bryson didn't want to become in a situation similar to mine so he was simply making sure I followed through. I just hope my mom is okay, she seemed overwhelmed, I hope what my dad said the other day is not true.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Week Resolution
Today I felt like I accomplished things. I should've read 50 pages of the homework book but I only read 33. This is dramatic progress compared to the rest of my week and it had the effect of cheering me up. This allowed me to thoroughly enjoy my time at Caitlin's house, whether it be Dead Boyfriend's Butthole or Burn the Rainstick band names or watching the movie that's alternate name is Touched by Santa. I hope tomorrow goes well with fencing for Allison and that I will be able to get a lot of reading done for my class. Its funny how the more you hang out with someone the more you value time with them.
The week continues
My engine was supposed to be fixed by today but it was irreparable. I now have to get a different rebuilt engine which is a couple hundred dollars more and it also slows down the progress and it is lowering my optimism, I think. I know things will be okay but its so trying to have something worked for be in pieces in the driveway over a simple oversight and then not be able to fix it quickly even if you have money ready to be used for it. This along with the fact that I didn't do homework for a class (because I didn't see it and couldn't find it online) has lead to a frustrating week. Sleep and lack of a consistent amount will continue to drain me too, its made me a little behind in my classes. There are blessings but not many and for now the week has been poor and I have been unsuccessful in finding a remedy for the unhappiness. I get used to unhappiness but sometimes it can be overwhelming or annoying and I find if I work or try to have fun or relax, none of these help. Its not like unhappiness is bad all the time sometimes it is sobering and good. (On the flip side sometimes when I am happy it feels like something is wrong). I feel like crying but first off I can't when I want to and I don't really understand the exact reason to cry (I mean life is kinda okay right now, but overwhelming?), second, it would be pitiful because I would be crying for myself, and third it probably wouldn't be an emotional release like I would want it to be (it seems like crying would solve everything sometimes, you cry and then move on, but it isn't). Since this blog is something I haven't tried when I have been frustrated I thought I would test it out but it doesn't seem to be working. O well, goodnight and remember staying up late makes one more emotional and out of balance.
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